3 Ways to Eliminate the Awkward Silence During Small Group

We all know it. The best mentoring of students, the greatest success in discipleship comes when we engage students in smaller groups. After all, Jesus had a core of only twelve and an even closer inner circle of just three. I don’t know of a single youth ministry professional that will tell you small groups are not only valuable but essential to every youth ministry.

We all know something else. Engaging students inside a small group is terrifying.

Now you might be one of the few that has the perfect small group—your students are engaging, they ask incredible and insightful questions. They are faithful in coming, they confide in you, and every week you walk away knowing that you have had a tremendous impact on their lives. But it might be safe to guess that for most of you, that description is no more than a distant dream. So many of us volunteer at the beginning of the year, with aspirations of earth-shattering impacts in the lives of students. We want to believe that if we are just faithful enough, God will somehow bless us with the perfect blend of personalities and knowledge. Only to discover that despite the hours agonizing over questions to ask, which food to provide, and how to make the information relevant and exciting; your efforts are met with awkward silence, broken only by the quiet drone of chewing, and if you're lucky, the occasional one-word answer.

Sure you have been told to build community, gain trust, and connect with them on their level. Maybe you even sat through a few seminars on the subject and no doubt it has helped, but only a little. Trust can only happen when you have a community. A community takes time to build. And it requires meeting them where they are. But let's face it, awkward silence and one-word answers do not build community.

But do you know who is magnificent at stuff like this? Teachers. They know how to draw answers out of students. They know how to create trust. And they certainly know how to build community. But if your not a teacher, or don't know any, read on. Here are some simple tactics that teachers use to help open students up. Although they are simple, they can be game changers in the kind of community you create within your small group. The experts are right, community is the key, but what you do to create community can make all the difference.

Don’t let students get away with one-word answers.

Teachers hate one-word answers. In fact, that is why many questions are written so that students ideally cannot respond that way. But nevertheless, they find a way. Often with a shrug, or "I don't know." Or my favorite answer—the answer to everything—Jesus. It is not about better questions that translate to better answers. It is about more questions. Specifically, follow-up questions. Instead of settling with the famous one word shallow answer, dig deeper by asking, "What makes you say that?”

Use this question or some version of it. It is not the exact question that matters, but that

you are asking a follow-up question. This does a couple of crucial things. First, it forces the student to think, setting a different tone for your group. It sends the message that what you are talking about takes thought and is important. Second, it shows you care. Follow up questions have a way of telling students that you value their thoughts, opinions, and feelings. Take a second and consider what it means to tell a student face-to-face that they are valued beyond a social media post. There is not much else that can have a greater impact on building trust and community.

Stop asking questions

Let the students ask instead. So much of leading a small group is less about leading and more about facilitating. You know what you want to discuss. So try introducing a topic without jumping to questions. Instead, give students a few minutes to think and write down some questions they have about the topic. Then travel the circle and have students share just one. Don't allow repeats. But here is the trick: don't just answer the questions. Let other students do it. Your job is to guide the conversation and make sure it doesn't get off track. Don't worry about wrong answers. When you hear something that doesn't quite add up, refer to #1, "what makes you say that?" Often you can draw out their reasoning and help them see their errors, making them much more open to correction.

Not only allowing questions but making it part of the routine will foster greater inquiry and depth of questions. Students are used to it in school. And trust me, they often will ask better and tougher questions than we can manufacture.

Get them up and moving

No matter what you do, some students just won’t want to talk. The sad part is, is that some of my best students, who have some of the most profound and insightful things to say, are the ones who never contribute. But you would be surprised what happens when you make the room a little more active and engage the students differently. So here is what you do (disclaimer: this does not work with every topic). Pick your topic. Try to use one that has different sides or opinions. The good news is, is that there is much debate in the world of culture and theology. Present the students with two options. Have the students write down which side of the debate they most relate with. It is important to keep in mind that some students may not have a well-formed opinion. But at this point just have them pick a side.

Next, divide the room in half. Assign each half according to each side of the issue. Have the students choose a side of the room that represents their viewpoint. Once all the students have chosen, have them discuss why they chose that particular position. Remember to use, "What makes you say that?" if needed. This type of exercise not only creates a fun and open conversation about some of the issues our youth face every day, but it also forces them to think critically about these issues. Students are exposed to so much information at such a high rate of speed, they often don’t stop long enough to consider the implications or consequences of those ideas and viewpoints.

Spicy option: If you want to have some fun, have each group work together to convince the other side to agree with them.

Teaching students to walk as Jesus did is truly one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had. But let’s be honest. It can be hard. So hard, it is easy to see past the positives and impact we can make. But I have found over the years, whether in the classroom or living room, these simple ideas can not only make life in the world of small groups a little easier, but they help create the community needed for a lasting impact in the lives of the students we care about so much.

Say goodbye to awkward conversations and hello to the making of disciples.